My Road of Recovery...A Journey of Hope.....

Welcome....Explore MY trip from hell....

***************A WORD OF WARNING**************
THIS BLOG WAS NOT MEANT OR THOUGHT OF TO HURT ANYONE IN MY FAMILY
I'VE DONE ENOUGH OF THAT.
THIS BLOG, IS MEANT (NOT ONLY HELP ME) BUT TO MAYBE OPEN ANOTHER ADDICTS EYE TO EMPATHY.
ITS MY STORY.
ITS MY TALE OF WOE, IF EVEN JUST ONE PERSON CAN GET ANY HELP or the FEELING THAT YOU ARE NOT THE INVENTOR (of what you're going through) FROM IT, GOD BLESS YOU.
AS AN ADDICT, I FELT ALONE....
AS A RECOVERING ADDICT I FIND I HAVE A MILLION PEOPLE TO WALK BESIDE ME...IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE OFFENDED BY MY RAWNESS....DON'T READ BEYOND THIS PARAGRAPH....
TO WRITE THIS IS HELPING ME MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE....I WELCOME ANY FEEDBACK
****E-Mail me @ Meganhargrovejr3@gmail.com
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Amuse yourself with my hellish journey n my ride back to reality....I'm new at this. so bear with me while I get to know what i am doing...I do however promise that you will laugh, cry or just think I'm crazy...I hope that you find something from my experience.
I am an addict.
I have that personality. I can ride or die with anything that will numb my head.
Although I am strong and holding 76 days clean, I find myself looking back and wondering what the hell I was thinking...
The fact is plain to see, I wasn't.
As an adopted child, I already had the feeling of difference growing up. An uneasy feeling of being put out, not wanted.
I know that that wasn't the case. I was special,
I was picked.
My family took me, loved me taught me, nurtured me, and followed through with all that a family does. I was a spoiled child and almost always got what I wanted.
Growing up was a very beautiful time. Museums, Art Galleries, Vacations...I saw all thru my mom and dads eyes of how a child should be cared for.
I had a Gramma that lived with us and she was extraordinary....
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She taught me everything. she was wise. She was extremely smart...I loved my Gramma Sue.
I was 13 and something horrific happened in my life that I really didnt think would be so life altering.
I tried to forget it and each and everyday I was faced with the clear fact that it was an unforgivable, demoralizing turn of a teenage girl.
I was raped.
Now, you figure the girls already got a lil bit of a screwed up head because she had a hole in her heart from the adoption.
The feeling of neglect stemmed my low self esteem, abandonment issues and insecurities.
To be raped by a jerk-off in high school just really didn't help matters any.
You would think that I would have went to my parents directly...well if you know me, have gotten this far in my story, then you know I didn't.
Apricot brandy and I met..
We were real close for about an hour.
It was easy and I could breathe. I could put away the feeling of being dirty n used for a bit.
Oh my God, the bottle was empty , my mom was pulling in from work...time to say I had homework.
Being as the asshole went to the same school,I saw him everyday, he taunted me. I mean, not like a nah nah nah nah thing, just his presence and how he was. Alive, breathing in my hallway, in my stairwell to class. I was alone with what had happened. He was the only other person besides God that knew.
Looking back, No meant no then as well. It just wasn't promoted as well.
Each time I saw him, my mind drifted back to the numb of what I had felt with the brandy, when I was able to breathe...a sweet sensation that was with the added bonus of I could completely forget about that night. If only for awhile.
All this mind you, is alienated from my parents, family and friends.
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I carried this alone.
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Well, I might of started to show a bit of dysfunction when i started to cut classes. It was easy, I can still forge the v.p. signature. (Sorry Mr. R) From cutting classes I dove right into cutting days...who is going to notice? I'd act like I went, get the mail first, NO-ONE was wise to it.
My parents were social drinkers. Alcohol was always in the house. A cabinet full of it. Sweet.
Needless to say after a few months from nipping from their stash, I ventured out with other teenagers and THATS when the party started, the ball rolling what have you...Time to ride or die...
I was introduced to pot.
A heavenly substance. As an American Indian ( with the alcoholic gene already instilled in me ) why shouldn't I smoke it? God created it and Indians have used it for years....Yeah, that makes sense eh?
Anything to run from myself....anything.
I had moved on in my head about the rape, so I thought. There were so many new things to explore....pills...coke...just all seeming to be available for the taking. Of course you needed money.
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Hmmmmm, well, that's when an addict who is trying to fit in starts to "borrow" without asking. A ten here, a twenty there, Shit I had my family think they were starting early dimentia. Because Megan would NEVER do that.
Ahhhh what a mistake that was...You know how you speed down the same street tens of thousands of times and dont get caught?
Shit we all have done it.
When, however we do get nailed, we are mad and think its unjust because we got caught. It is without regard that we take a moment and reflect that we've broken the law but now they know.
When you take something for granted, get caught, it is of NORMAL human nature to not do it again. A ticket, warning or your parents ripping you a new ass could count in the category of "lesson learned"...
Oh no, Megan had to push and push and I pushed so hard that now I have to see a shrink. Joy.
Once a week at age 13 thru 99...thats what it felt like. I wasnt going to give this asshole the satisfaction of knowing my secrets. God forbid. (To fast foward you to the present, I'm in dire need for a shrink now....see? What we take for granted....)
Needless to say we'll hop up to 16 now, countless dr. after dr. to figure out whats wrong.
Didn't budge
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My boyfriend at this age seemed to be as fertile as I was and well, we lost that child. I dont think I'd have made a good mother anyway. I couldn't even take care of myself.
The baby was going to be named James Seth...Another reason...or excuse to get high. And I did.
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A guy or two later, I was pregnant again, gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl....
She was born on my birthday at 10 pm.
I remember the pain, I remember threatening the dr if he didnt get this outta me, ON MY BIRTHDAY I'd sue him. Now for what I dont know but...a watermelon out of a dimeslot sucks.
She was beautifully chubby at 8lbs. 8oz. . My girl. My show to the world of my fertility.
How was I gonna take care of her?
Her father saw her once at the hospital.
He had left me long before that, so there's more reason to get high...
I was devastated that she wasn't coming home with me.
I was told by my parents that they WOULD NOT RAISE my child and to figure something out. Actually as horrible as that sounds it was the best thing they ever taught me. and as I look at my friends raising their grandchildren today, i see the loving parents I had were smarter than Id know until 27 years later.
So, my baby wasn't with me, by choice of giving her a better life (DOES IT HIT U THAT WE MIGHT HAVE SOME BACKROUND WITH THAT?) a better chance...hmmm
It was while she was away from me that drinking became a staple for me.
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I had soooo much to drink away. A lost biological mom, a rape, getting caught stealing, cutting school, a lost Baby James, a daughter in a foster home and then with her fathers family not mine,...all these things add up. To make matters worse, I was beaten from Baby James father and well, i just thought I deserved it...All messed up.
Alcohol was the only answer.........I could breathe.
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Those are only a few of the side splitting details of my life....I found a new man, I acted as if all was okay with the world. Little did I know he'd be the father of my next three children...four if you count the one we lost...I'm not real accepting of that to this day so we will leave that for later in my story of hell.
Now don't misunderstand...
I love my children, I do.
I was 18 when I started. I stopped at 22. If you went to high school, showed up everyday, (lol, as I did not) thats 4 straight years pregnant. 36 months of ALWAYS getting a seat on the bus, getting what ever I craved for...(I recall tangy taffys with on of em...)
Before the second pregnancy while kickin' it with the new "daddy to be"....we found a common ground with alcohol. We were great drinking partners, We had fun and if it were a class woulda aced it.
Because you have to figure I had no responsibility of a child ...I fucked that up too. Whatta great woman I was...
*To this day I carry resentments that sometimes seems heavier than the cross Jesus trucked along with.*
My fertility was again tested....ohhhh boy, after a few months of drinking with this guy, carrying his child, i guess marrying him would just be the right thing to do...
Luckily we are friends now, always will be . Hes the father of my children.
I had a baby boy next...beautiful just as my first. At least I can make pretty babies...there was no fucking class for that...damn there goes another A.
I can remember telling my father in our new apt. "Hey, how'd you feel about a third grandchild"....he said it was too soon, I said it was too late.
13 months later another beautiful baby boy was chilling with us....
At this point in my life...I wasn't drinking...how could I ..nursing babies...cleaning house..trying to survive..at 21 with 3 kids a year apart, you almost want a drip of morphine every three seconds.
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Mind you I wasnt the most patient person in the world.
There are soooo many other things that I am not forgetting but, I just need to get to the beef..You already see theres trouble brewing...I'll get to them all in my book which will be soon...Trust that!!!
My husband and I were married basically under the gun...while I was carrying my second. It seemed like everything was going to be okay, I mean we were ok chilling together...But as the money got tight, You know how the song goes.
Fights here and there over my insecurities..(no shit)...over money...over diapers and where our next meal was coming from. Over everything...
My parents watched the kids as often as they could.
Somehow I ended up working for a car rental place...I loved that job. I was in awe of my boss who just seemed to be all over the place getting it all done.
*******If you dont know me,Im going to tell you now, my personality is stellar.
Compares to none.
Always has been.
I can get family secrets outta you while standing in the line to check out.****************
I loved being a people person with the customers...it was all good.
What I failed to realize that my boss had a cocaine problem..and none of this really matters except for the fact that in my head, I did the math.
Cocaine equals "getting things done quick and in a hurry".
I kept that thought in the rear of my mind forever!!! Not a lil while, but its still there...FOREVER.
I was about to leave from work and felt bubbles in my stomach. I called my husband with a quickness...I knew what it was. I knew EXACTLY what the bubbles were...altho I still looked normal..I was pregnant.
We went to the doctor and found that i was 6 1/2 months pregnant. What to do?
In August my fourth AND LAST child was born. Now I had four.
Still not drinking or drugging because there was actually no time.
after a few months I had to look at these beautiful children and realize that I couldnt do it.
When you read in the paper, see it on the news that a mother has just thrown her children into a river, you wonder if you are at that point also.

Lets be real, we all at one point or another have hated our children for SOMETHING. The reason I have the balls to say that is cuz Oprah said it first.
I didnt hate my kids.

I dont know how to convey that to you that I didnt hate my kids.
What it was was that I was taking care of them in the physical sense. I was 22 and had no emotion or mental attachment to them.

On top of it, that woman who just threw them away...(basically for the same reason) was in my head, I wasnt going to do that, Something in my head however told me they really deserved a mother that had her head on straight,

I put them into DYFS.

No fucking with my emotional state there....No build a bear thing going on that would turn my life into a tragedy...

I was right to do what I did...I never missed a visit, I saw and met and BECAME friends with the caregivers of my children.

I then worked hard on what the stipulations were that I agreed upon with giving my hearts away.
I didnt hate my kids.

I got all children back....BECAUSE I WORKED HARD FOR IT.....I loved my kids as I do now and thru all the adversity, I overcame....The judge was impressed. ONE OF THE ONLY TIMES I WOULD IMPRESS A JUDGE!!!!!!

We were a family.

I had an objective and I got them back.

I had my family back.

My marriage certainly wasnt working out. We split up. I found someone new,,,he was my knight ...

Why was I still so fn miserable?
For a verrrrry long time we were okay.

I wasnt divorced from my husband whereas we couldnt get married...
There was turbulence. Once again, my insecurities were riding high and i fucked up again...relationshipwise...

I was told in this order....insecurity stems from self esteem....I had no self esteem, no belief in myself because I was worthless...all the negative in my life just poured from every ounce of my being....I had abandonment issues from the adoption that spilled into my self worth, that took away the esteem and well you all are smart enough to know that drugs are coming up.

Drugs will make you feel like you are SOMEONE.
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As you can read just a small bit from my life, because there is soooo much more...I'd like to make one thing perfectly clear...I'm not writing this to harm anyone....
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My addiction to alcohol stems from my genes. Can't help it or change it. Thats where it comes from...The other added addictions stem from my feeling of worthlessness, trying to fit in.
Not just to run and be numb, but to show the people I surrounded myself with that I could do it too.
I was a ride or die addict...Do it all or go home...Dont bother with the small shit, do all of it...THAT is what landed me in the county jail...countless times.
Am I proud of the hurt, shame and confusion I caused my family?

No.
Is anyone happy when they know they've cut someone sooooo deeply that they might lose that person forever?

No.
But keeping it on the "I" ...I had no feelings. I was numb. I would do the same thing over and over and expect different results KNOWING that it was going to turn into a fight, a disagreement, another hurt...I did that OVER & OVER.
After awhile your family looks and acts so differently towards you you get USED TO THAT..
My family has stood over top of me shaking their heads.
That my friends, is a very uncomfortable situation. BUT AS AN ADDICT YOU DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!
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For me to continually get drunk was a sure bet.
I look back at the things that I have ingested and see that THAT IS INSANITY!

How is it sane to go to a seedy part of a town and cop a substance FROM A STRANGER , not really knowing whats in the bag...and then using?
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I am having a tugging problem with my heart today, so its not going to actually get off track, well fuckit it probably will.
I am remembering some of the hurt and pain that I had with people during this hellis experience and I sit here, in a whole different state, so far away from where I got high and its flooding my head right now.

I'm ashamed of my recent actions towards my family.
I can't seem to quite understand the why.
Dont get me wrong...lol I'm intelligent to know the answer, its just sometimes your mind makes the why look as huge as the last wave in the movie The Perfect Storm.
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There are no rules when it comes to being an addict. Its a no holds barred kinda deal. You do something so screwed up and you are fine with it because you have no concept of consequences.
Looking at that today has given me a slight ominous cloud over my head.
I told my husband that I felt as if I wee run outta town for being the bad guy....Actually I ran 4-5 states away...You can see that in this entry of my newfound diary, i am right here in the present with my 78 days and just a lil yech.
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I will turn that around, but just to prove a point( i guess to myself) I want whoever's reading this to know that because you get clean, sober and stop doing the shit, there is a lil devil inside that makes you mourn the loss of the poison that made you "calm, sane, okay".
There is no actual worry that I'll use today, I know I wont...its just that when you have a 30 year habit compared to 78 days....usually its unfortunate the balls not in your court.
I love my sobriety, for a lot of reasons.
To say that its because "I want to be healthy" as the first?
Ummm no. Is it to be "alive and well" as the first? Ummm once again no...
Today, right now, at this moment, it is because I want to show everyone who DOESNT believe that I can do it that I can...
Shit, that old phrase "any port in a storm..." well so be it...At 9:18...the 27th of Jan. 2010....THAT'S what I'm running with.
To see this in black and white,
(I really should make my page prettier)
makes me know I have to pray to my higher power (which would be God....for those of you offended...well...) to ease up this heaviness I feel...It works for me and then I will move on to a brighter day.

Okay, I am back on track...I've spoken to true friends all morning, I have completed my four mile walk...I have eaten healthy...I'm going to be fine, justy as soon as I see where I left off in this thing..Thanks for bearing with me....

Went to a meeting and I represented NJ as if I were running for office.
I shared what I had to share and told them of my blog...They thought it was ok.

During my walk today, I was speaking to an old friend (hence I've spoken to dozens of you since this journey that i'm embarking...ty...) and heard some very nice things...about me.

I really didn't quite know how to handle it. You see, this program is a selfish one. I have to clear my path for just me. Some dont understand that if I dont focus on just me, I will relapse. I wil not ever be able to offer any support to anyone. This means you all. (once I get my head on...lol) But, to family members, fellow addicts and or just the plain Joe who needs a smile on the street...
So I'm always a lil taken aback when I hear things and thoughts that are nice things of the mark I left behind.

None of you actually knew what happened and I am crying now because I see such an outpouring of love, I look as if I would've said something , maybe my hell journey wouldn't have been.

To be this horrendous creature, you learn not to feel. And, of course you dont because you are filling yourself up with poisons.

I thank you all.

These poisons to me were as staple as anyone or thing that must eat.
I remember my first of everything, my first drink, my first time toking a joint, my first line of coke, my first time smoking crack, my pills...I have to hold that to my heart so I remember why I dont need them any more.

My reply was simple, To me, "normal is seeing things, feeling things and basically being able to handle things in a mature manner and find a solution..." Or something to that effect...I just know that today...I'm doing it perfect, I am not high, I am not drinking and I am experiencing sooooo much pain and adversity right now.
With all the bad that I went thru, am going thru now, theres joy I find with all of it. Only because I might be new at this...I have 79 days today...but I am learning to "cope"..not to shrug off, but to COPE. As would a normal 45 year old....
I was posed the question last night, "who decides who or what is normal...?"

When all this started I had so much baggage inside. I had such a weight of guilt, shame, lonliness and dishonor. I was confused I was afraid I was terribly on guard and quite frankly just an attention seeking bitch.
Be it good attention or bad, I needed it.
Physical fights, brawls if you will...I hit...
they hit back...I played victim when sometimes that just wasnt the case...Didnt know it then for my eyes were clouded...looking back, I couldve changed so much. Unfortunately, I didnt.

Today, I'm friends with the people I thought were my enemies. It's a good thing. We don't sit and laugh about it, but we do speak to each other with a sense of disappointment. But, we aknowledge now, that when we were in the fight mode...we weren't who we were made to be.

As an addict, you really don't have much of a choice in what your plans are for the day...you wanna get high.

I wasn't.
What you have to really, really understand is that addicts are very intelligent. geniuses almost....
I became more manipulative than ever and it was quite outta control.
I got my drugs...you were long outta my head seconds...SECONDS after i got your money in my hands.
Shit...ummmm no.
I then will hit the ignore button which is most appropriately called ( at least for me, I gotta keep it on the I otherwise I will have more than my family pissed at this) "THE FUCK YOU" button...
I will eventually pretend you don't exist. My mind will allow that because it is swimming in God knows what....Hell I could write a book on excuses alone...{Oh yea, I am...so buy it , I'll sign it and I promise to use half of the proceeds back to paying all the people I've screwed over.....}

My genes were relaxed with my chemical intake. Funny cuz my drug was...powder. ( dont all of u gasp...shit happens and addictions can become crossed...lol)
The numb was beautiful, what I was surrounded by however, wasn't. ( mind you I'm in the recent past, I will divulge more of the waaaay back past later, but if I dont dump this, it might not ever come out...)

I am trying not to glamorize drugs...if you take it as I am...go back to the top of the page and read my warning...
Funny thing about it it is NOT glamorous.

Who the hell wants to be sniffin' allllllllll day long shit like oysters...well, obviously me. Its not a sexy drug, in fact using it to the altitude that I did, i was ignored....didn't exsist...was put on the shelf...
Emotionally, I would envelope you into feeling secure that you did the right thing....I would spread such bullshit that you positively knew I wouldn't let you down.
But, it didn't matter.

Ooooops, the check never came, ooops the banks fucked me over, ooops I lost your money.
You would have that sense of security that I was doing right,,,
Now, here it comes...it's time to screw you.

To say that relaxed genes is ironic because Id be hyped up enough to re-aluminum side Camden County...

Until a few ( ahh shit I'd rather say a couple, but id be lying...the difference now in this blog ..is you wouldn't know I was lying, but as someone with a tiny amount of clean, I have to tell on myself....) years ago I didn't even know what a drugset was...of course I knew about them, but to actually walk thru one was not in my persona although I was doing it everyday...I personally thought they were just lazy people standing around. It was brought to my attention by my parole officer ( don't gasp damnit...you knew I went to prison....lol) that I had just walked thru the worst one....Duh, dumbunny Megan...

If you cant hang with the big dogs...stay on the fuckin' porch.

It was kinda okay, cuz the sunstance had me convinced that everyone was this way after awhile...Fuck Megan...shit, people been doing that for years...Why care? I have my fucking security blanket right here.
When this part of my story started, I know in my heart I was thinking..."ooooooooooooh boy, dont open this can of worms..." mightve even openly yakked it....I knew that it was a ride that wouldnt turn out so well at the very beginning. But, I'm a fuckin addict.

Yup, thats what my life was consisting of...a cell....Confinement of your physical being....I was already alone in my head whether surrounded by a thousand people...what did it matter?

UNREAL....
With my recent "love affair" with coke, I found that being stagnant in one room was okay.
But theres where you will see I am more intelligent than the average bear....

I loved my coke.
The reason i bring this up...( I will delve into the y's later...)

Little did I know that with my last day of parole, i would be setting myself up for an emotional rollercoaster ride..Ida stayed on parole.....

I'm laughing a lil cuz, well, ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL that money...hell I coulda bought cars...vacationed somewhere beautiful for a very long time...bought a nice house..YES BOUGHT BUY PURCHASE a house...with the money I just dumped into my nose.

The point...relax, I am getting to it..

In fact, after being prepped from jail , just stayin in one room, alright...I got this.

Sad...just plain freaking sad...I'm 45 years old...this has totally fucked up my whole life.
Was I functional...? AT WHAT?????????? Getting high? Absolutely.

is because when you "jail"...you basically stay in one room.

.

I couldn't wander too far away from my stash anyway because well, in that state you just think everyones stealing it from you...

The funny thing ( ok ok ok not" funny", ) THE "AMUSING" thing to me at this moment with 80...( COUNT EM....) days is that for me to sound like a broken faucet was cool.

To go from what right now seems miniscule..{ie: a few dime bags} to over 6 grams a day JUST FOR ME is OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!! Not to mention freakin expensive...

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.

AND I had to act as if everything was chillaxin....

God forbid that EVERYONE be aware ( not that my 365 day fucking cold was a clue....) that I was a FUCKING COKE JUNKY...Snort it ...smoke it...(that was a learned experience, I didnt even know you had to cook powder to make crack..ummm duh, my high school didnt teach me,,,)

(MADRESPECT TO OFFICER D...U SAVED MY FREAKIN'LIFE...if only for a moment...)

********While on the subject of "moment" ....I just took one for the still sick n suffering...God bless em all ......************

To say that my ride was all horrid would be a lie..I think that with my two years of being locked up from the world, being cooped up in my own cell ( whereva I was staying at the time), being isolated from my family, I mighta had ten minutes of fun.

MIGHTA...being the keyword.

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Getting high for me I find now, looking back , ( only by the grace of God...supportive people i've met..can I say looking back...)

INTENSIFIED my already fucked up insecurities, my demons of abandonment....my feelings for all the horrific things just *popped*....at times they were as strong as someone literally punching me in my face.

Whatta life. I was so comfortable in UNcomfortable that it didnt matter...

I didnt converse with my family as I used to, I didnt show up in places as a daughter and a grandmother shouldve...I missed out on family events that will NEVER EVER happen again because i was high.

I hid from the world...except when it was time to go cop more....even then, thats not a gala night out..I was still sneaking around like a ...hmmm take a guess...a "junkie" looking for a fix....

*************"Junkie: slang....a narcotics peddler or addict...a person who derives inordinate pleasure from or who is dependent on something"...ummmm called COCAINE...my story, Websters definition.

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Totally just keeping it on the NOW, the PRESENT SECOND....9;56 a.m. on Jan. 29th, 2010..........I am somewhat ok.

With myself...

I have a LOT of shit going on with my family and IT HURTS. It hurts so bad there are tears welling up in my eyes because I ( I was reminded of this yesterday) did this...A partner in "crime" ..nah, I am a big girl. Right now I take the whole brunt because I can...I see I had the choice...I choose the devil...

Just for a quick input...it's not recommended...

NOT if you'd like to have your families support, your husbands love, your siblings respect, your friends trust...

I bolted like a rocket away from N.J. ... I think that you only get a couple of chances handed to you on a silver platter and shit...i had to go...leave a disabled mother in the care of one of my beautiful children...who cared enough to NOT want me to worry about a thing while trying to get where-ever i am supposed to be with this sobriety thing.

To leave a husband of whom I really had affection for and love deeply, a child in the hospital...and one somewhere else...

Made me question myself and really look at how fucked up i had let my life become...

I am bitter, I am disappointed, I am angry, I am ashamed, I am all the fucked up words that a human can think of

BECAUSE I CONDONED IT....

I let it happen to me....

My family has sat back and watched me totally cross that line, change my drug of choice and become someone they didnt even recognize...

There were two times I really thought I was having a heart attack....I prepared for it by putting my ring on my wedding finger ..."just in case"...

Who really wouldve been at any service that would eventually follow my demise?

I can tell you, the people I owed money too...the drug dealers would also attend ...not outta respect mind you, but to poke me and make sure I was reallt dead and not just trying to get outta responsibility....

I am sure that my family would be there ...whether they are mad at me right now or not,,,but a couple would poke " just to make sure"...

On the real, the fucking around aside...my family and i are tight. When it comes down to the wire, we will stand by one another. Growling or hissing at each other...itd be only for a moment...lol...

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I left N.J. under the gun.....

My own gun...in my own head...but nevertheless...I jumped the opportunity.

Scared? hell yea. I have NEVER been away from my family for any length of time...well at least at this distance....4 states away is pretty far.

I felt, while in the town I was living, a paranoia that would make a crackhead shake...There was not one thing I could think of to stay for...to be SOBER and paranoid ...well I can tell you that it really is an very uncomfortable feeling...

No gangsters were after me, no-one was actually trying to harm me, but I felt ostracized in the town I was taking care of my mother in...

I felt betrayed, alone and as if everyone new something I didn't and they left me out....I can say that feeling is probably more horrid sober than if I was high...

I continued my program, went to meetings and just began to be very cautious of where I was and how long I stayed.

It got so bad that i stopped going to my favorite meeting...(Haddonfield early...I miss you guys..I will be back...lol) just to run. Plain and simple...I was running from something that had DIMINISHED a lot of things.

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In my doing the right thing, going to meetings, getting a sponsor, applying myself to the sharing and showing up part, I felt as if I was being blamed.

I still feel that way. There were things done that inmy head will take time and another freaking shrink to dismiss...Am I capable of handling it...of course, it's in the bag...I am intelligent, I am well aware of when someones pissing on my leg and telling me its raining to RETHINK things thru...

Don't get me wrong..I am in NO WAY saintish..Shit, I am still sick and suffering...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My pain of the past is MY pain...

There are many who know about my recent vicissitudes...

I have many loved ones that are holding me up at my time of despair.

Now, you may say to yourself, shit.."get over it" ..all well and fine to say.

It ain't that easy folks....

You just don't "heal" whether you are in the town of hell that you'd like to run from, or 400 miles away from that town of hell.

You are always with you.

I have let somethings go through tears.

Long, hard, lung stabbing screaming sessions....tears came outta somewhere and altho' I suppose it was great to do...I still have many afflictions to conquer. By the Grace of God...I will ...but in His time...not mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To be sober and hurt...it's a challenge to me. To the addict in me...

I, for 30 some odd years have been stuffing this pain, this agony..(which let me make it perfectly clear,,,WHAT I CONSIDER PAIN....U MIGHT NOT....but if it hurts...) all the way down into probably my ankles.

( lucky I am walking everyday...lololol)

It doesn't just come to me in a letter in the mailbox ..giving me full warning..it sneaks up on me at times and just BAM fucks with my whole being...I'm sure you can see what I mean and have been there...If you haven't, please e-mail me and tell me your secret.

To come to terms with something that might be devastating to me...I've been fighting about the validation of the facts that are in my ...MY,,,head and heart since I got here. A part of me is still at home, meaning I'm not all here...( lololol...was I ever...?)

I have to fight over the WHY n I get exhausted doing that. It literally drains the life out of me. I used to sleep to run, I find myself craving to do just that while I'm here to AVOID CONFLICT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Acceptance....acknowledge...adopt...approve...condone...Shit, the list could go on...

This was what I did for two long years of my life.

I let myself be controlled by a substance that I was bigger than. I was taller, weighed more and could fit this demon in my pocket.

I am kinda quoting a good friend with this analogy...TY BG, you make my day each time we speak......

So, if I was bigger and more powerful...what the fuck was I doing?

I was hurting my family, ruining my marriage, alienating my friends, befriending anyone who dared to get between me and my coke.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JAN. 30th, 2010

Well........Although today didn't start as I had planned...it started anyway.

I talked to people today that I haven't for years and they had their own insights of my dilemmas...

which is real good.

With the addict that I am, I really at times believe that the whole world revolves around me...

Ummmm, great big news flash "to me"...it doesn't.

All of you out there, the ones I've just found, the ones that I have known, my family and even people I have yet to meet are not...ARE NOT at the Crown Point Plaza discussing and conspiring "what to say to Megan..." " let's see if we all tell her this..."

Because I'm an addict, my brainwaves (whats left of them) don't function as do a normal bear at times.

Of course I think its all about me....Why wouldn't it be?

Ummmmmmmmmmmm cuz life is not that way...I'm just figuring that out.

So, check this out, ...a person from waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay up north...another from middish USA( my hometown)...and a couple more from my home county all telling me the same thing without speaking to each other behind my back...what should I think??????

I should think that because they are sober, they have a life, they know what they're talking about because I'm new in this. I want what they have...I want to wake up and not have to worry about things.

I know that's a real tall order from where I stand right now...I know that yes, people who are sober worry..I would just like to have the "normal" worries also.

Not the worry of where am i gonna get the rent cuz I just blew it getting high...

I don't want the feelings I'd carry disappointing the ones standing behind me because I got high.

I'd like to walk with my head up being proud of myself and the people I surround myself with.

I don't want to be with shady, lying, sneaky people for they will just end me up where I started from...

I don't want the anxiety of the wait for the dealer to pull up and give me my coke...so I can scurry to my room to run away from reality and the people I love.

If this were to happen, if I were ( I) to do this I don't think I could blame anyone but myself, but because of my addiction and feeling that I failed, I know I would no doubt try to make another feel responsible for my fuck up. It wouldn't be fair for me to do that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Im finding that with my 81 days, I love life. I love to wake up in the morning. I love to still remember who I was with and what i did the night before.

i love the idea that there are soooooo many people pulling for me that its bringing tears to my eyes.

Its not that way for some.

That, in itself is so a downer to me that it fogs my head with the "not understanding it" thing.

Will it make ME get high?

No, not at all, for the reason I am not high is to show my strength for someone or some people that it can be done.

shit, i AM NOT the brightest candle in the box...nor the sharpest pencil. I get lost because I have no map thingy in my head, but, I do know that not getting high is now a staple in my life unlike it was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you have money...EVERYONE loves you, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL...

When you have drugs...the same applies.

I needed that...

I needed to feel loved, accepted, worth something, important.

Even in this last "run" I experienced...I was left out. I was put on the shelf while in the same room....

Didn't matter how much I complained about it, cried or begged about it...it still ended up the same way.

Had the bright idea to "just get more" maybe then I would be worth something....

Maybe then, I would be adored as I so longed for...

It didnt work , no mater what the mass....

It hurt. it still makes me shiver a little to know that i was the odd one out when I was the one throwing the damn party....

To be ignored when you are in the same room is just plain jerked off...ignorant and it makes you feel invisible...

Didn't matter what I was doing, I coulda been on fire and it wouldnt have mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I believe that its all water under the bridge now, I mean except for the tidal wave of doubt that seems to be left behind.

I am relieved that I am not high...I am relieved that I don't have to try to spin on my nose with bicycles on my elbows to get attention.....

I dont know exactly what today was all about, but I'm facing bad karma all around the board with family.

They accepted me for two years blowing coke up my nose...they loved me...called me...and now I'm getting shit cuz i am getting sober...Talk about confusing? shit, the damage was done when I was a fucked up mom...a fucked up wife... a fucked up daughter...

As i bring this day to a close....I would like to say to those who read my shit, that I am grateful. I am appreciating the feedback that I get and it inspires me to just bare my soul...It helps me to let you all know that it is possible for some.

The sad part is that for a few in a million, it is not, it is more of a struggle.

I am a very lucky woman, who, by the grace of God (my higher power...) does not have a trigger in my head that gives me the desire to keep dancing with the devil.

I am blessed with a belief, a faith and a very supportive group of wonderful people. I thank you all...I need you all...and if you see something in me, I am still a little confused of what that is, but i am damn lucky to have it..I will be something...I will make something of myself...I see it, i feel it and it will be in Gods time not mine...but it is comin...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JANUARY 31,2010

I've just now looked at the calender....I

I've been clean all year............82 days.............but the most part being is that alllllllll 2010 I have been clean.

Was 20 minutes off my time today with my walk. Megans hill seems to go higher than I thought. So sez a person living at the "what I thought the top was"...I'll check it out tomorrow.

Had a "revelation conversation" last night of things I felt were holding me back from being totally free.

Do I think that the person I was having this "epiphany" with actually understood where I was coming from...?

C'mon, look at my past luck, yeah, you got it, it was not understood.

Like beating a dead horse...it just made no sense to expound further because it was going in one ear and out the other.

As addled as I am from my chemical warfare, I just had to surrender.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This "retreat" as you will is supposed to bring me a breath of real air...a new sense of being, and a way to dispose of some of the horrifying things that held me captured and stagnant.

God knows I am giving it my all...after all who the hell really likes cottage cheese?

I have changed my eating habits, lost some weight, walk everyday (when it is NOT 95 degrees below zero)....I pray to my Higher Power, I speak with the army of angels that surround me and I play board games like a family... (unfortunately, I still have "baggage").

To come clean with how MY brain, that's attached to MY heart that is somehow involved with MY soul to someone that I have deep affection for....and to be spoken to as if I had three heads and was emerging from the abyss is devastatingly heartbreaking.

I shoulda just kept my demons where they were instead of trying to get some redemption. Just let those lil devils stay inside as I did my rape and my abandonment issues....maybe then I could break-free by shooting up some fucking heroin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I won't of course...but to try and convey something of a somewhat "Hey you fucking broke my heart, spirit, trust, faith " level...totally blew up in my face.

It wasnt well taken...my mind was exhausted by the time I thought I got my point across....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok...I'm an alcoholic. A drunk. The first one at the bar and the last to leave. I wasn't the kind to hide shit all over the house because after a while, I myself would get drunk enough to not remember where it was. So, cut out that bullshit.

I also, as an alcoholic, didn't really lie.

If I lied I'd have to remember the lie I told whoever and that would just be too much work, with the hangover and all.

My drink most of the time was rum n coke...slowly my drink would go from brown, to tan...I don't recall ever really drinking the shit straight but..hell, I never thought i would be sober either....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, this ride of my blog isn't "today" this is more back-round shit that will just refresh your memory a little of how fucked up I WAS.

Where I was employed, drinking was more than acceptable...it was promoted

Money was never a problem for me. I was well off. As well as you can get I suppose...always had a couple dubz in my pocket...lol

There were times that I would get dime bags of coke to stay awake.

I worked from 11am to 2 am almost everyday....Coke wasn't a "habit". It wasn't a staple..but it was my friend..,we hung out every so often.

Id get finished work, yea, a lil toasted and my last longterm job was situated down the road from and after hours bar.

Shit, at two in the morning, I had no responsibilities...I went and checked it out.

the first thing I told the bartender was, "DONT SERVE ME SAMBUCA" under all and any circumstances none of that for me. If you'd like your bar to be in one piece ...

I had a sorta good list and bad list of what I could drink...

HAHAHA a responsible drunk..imagine that!!!!

Anyway, I had found a new home. The joint opened at 9pm and closed at 9am...perfect.

I was the life of the party all night long. I was the one who took care of unruly females at the owners say so...I was the one who could act stupid at the pool table and take all your money.

*******>>>Keep in mind...you can be an intelligent woman and act stupid...You can not however be a stupid woman and act intelligent...<<<<<<<<<***********

I loved the owner...he loved me...I paid his electric bill every month!!! Probably his freakin' car payment too... Free drinks for me all the time...my tips for the my bartenders were high. You might ask why, well shit this is my blog and I'll tell you. Because money is the root of all evil. Because money talks, because money will make the bartender do backflips when he has seen you take the last sip. THATS WHAT I LIKED...LIVED FOR ...AND CRAVED!!!!!!!!!! I was an okay drunk until something didn't go my way. I was mean, I was the unruly one, I would spit shit that would make a sailor blush and I would hit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I don't now or ever thought that I was pretty. I think average would sum it up. Maybe a lil more than that..but, it is my personality.

I loooooooove my personality. It has been my friend forever and I always will have my personality to fall back on. I can get along with ANYONE...and I mean that literally...i can have you telling me your secrets in just a short blink of an eye. I went to brunch before I came here. My friend and I ordered and I said something off the cuff to make the server laugh...then the conversation, just by my lead led into a small tale about a problem that she just encountered with her son...I don't and didn't know this person from a can of paint. I gave her what advice I would want and we had a very enjoyable time... The reason that I am writing about this is that not everyone is as TOO outgoing as I am...I've been blamed for acting as if I were "running for office". You have your secluded introverts, the closet people who never open their mouth...then the hangers on kind of people that just are so freakin; clingy , you want to punch them square in their mouth! I was never in either catagory. What sums me up is that I say hi to everyone I see, to maybe make a difference in their lives...I compliment them, even if they are not what I say they are, it makes them smile and maybe not want to pull out an AK to shoot up the town. I've been called crazy by my family with how I act in public, all in good nature and it does get me remembered....I love my personality. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I love to make people laugh...

Funny because for a very long time I have been doing the complete opposite.

Bi-polar?

Tri-polar?

Shit no doubt quad to oct-polar... Whatever, I know there are a lotta loose strings in my head. To drink that away was a very easy and basically cheap. I could always drink for free... Did not take away the haunts in my head. And these haunts, mind you, were sometimes just plain nightmares..

***To pop up to this exact moment. 7:25pm Jan. 31 2010...I have a weight on my shoulders and drowning my heart. I have a very big decision to make which is really life-threatening to my sobriety... Oh I have to really clear my head with this one, It's either going to turn out to be the best or the worst. I have no scale as you see when weighing the measures. I only have my heart. I only have what little common sense that God gave me. This isn't something I can just put off as a mere"I'll get to it..." Does it make me want to use? Yes. Does it make me look at the reasoning behind my addiction, (meaning the comfortable numb, the safety of having the high to blame) dare I make the wrong choice? Yes. I was in a deep thought of the why I used to get high a moment ago. The answer was quite simple, to run away from so many emotions that I forgot I had. To not feel the pain of a memory or the cut of some mean horrible thoughts. To hide from the world how much of a scared little girl I am in a grown womans body NOT KNOWING my destiny or reason for being. All very scary stuff to me. At this time, the one I would run to to be held, to be lifted is running also... So, thats outta the picture. I am lucky to have the caring, warm, loving people around me, on call and just an IM away...but they can't make my decision for me. I, for probably...no...DEFINITELY FIRST TIME sober have a quantum sized problem that i have to figure out myself. I won't get high. I won't get high. I won't get high. I am putting this in the hands of God to show me in which direction to go...I am not the director anymore...He is, I am just the "star" of my own life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FEBRUARY 1st, 2010

Well, the director said get up at 5am and experience the "Wolf"moon outside your window...I was peaceful just seeing a moon with no "swoosh" on it...(lol) It's a little milder here with the weather, the ipod is geared for me, I hafta drink some coffee to jump start this glorious day!

Well, obviously allllll I just put in here wasnt supposed to make it..a shame cuz it was funny. Did my four miles (kilometers...lol you know who u r) and can't seem to break this hour ten minutes...eh, shit at least I'm doing it.

Damn, I had some really god shit going on ...

Okay...As an alcoholic, 30 years of bad shit, (which when under the influence, looks good) to be looking at the 90 days I have coming up in a week...(a week!!!!!) is pretty amazing to me.

I don't think I can look at my accomplishments without getting a little fucked up with crying.

I know I should. I am smart enough to see that I have overcome a lotta shit.

I have a "slightly" dysfunctional relationship with a couple people.

But yet, the girl,,,this little scared girl, is trudging on with what her heart believes is right...sobriety.

Very scary crap for me...I'm having to catch up with my age and do "normal" things.

Who, by the way, is the one who determines what normal is? I was posed that question by my "retreat leader" last night...

I dont know who determines it, so if any of you know...please e-mail me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I have done in my past is what I have done. It's easy for a lot to say move on, get over it, forget about it...

I am not saying I won't ...I am expressing that with all the shit I have swallowed, snorted, smoked or popped, I am a little slow.

The process is a bit relaxed.

I am coming off an addiction...( now,I'm no doctor, i'm no nurse, I am just saying what is going with how I feel) a very long long time of being a disposal of toxic waste.

I'm a little slow in putting the right and wrong on the appropriate shelves.

I will never totally forget what, who, where, why or how...but, with my new growth, I will learn how to COPE.

I plan on being a SURVIVOR...not the victim anymore.

Shit I got the balls to take what a dealer gives me, lemme swing the the other side of the vine.

Looked at the devil for an almost straight two years....stared at him in the eye and begged for more of his brew...

Guess what news flash...FUCK YOU....I have a fucking beautiful life ahead of me.

I have a beautiful family that I want back so bad....

Theres never been such a long riff between me and my kids...It hurts and I want my babies back.

I want to lead by example and show whoever that if this dumbass can do it and become fruitful from it, shit.....follow me...take my hand....

It doesn't work that way however.

Hell, I never left anywhere outta the state w/o one of my kids....God, I miss them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

But, enough of that, I can't very well get on with this with tears in my eyes.

I'm coming back to my...MY...family. I'm not meaning just to New Jersey, I mean as someone who I should've been a loooooong time ago.

I don't know who I am, or my purpose, but, being sober I guess we'll figure that out.

Or at least I will.

I picked a song today that basically describes the way I feel about "today".."what I've done" by Linkin Park...( shit, I hope I don't get sued...they'd have a long fuckin' line to stand in...waiting to get paid...)

I have to learn to forgive myself..my sponsor says I beat myself with a sledgehammer when it should be done with a feather...

I am hard on myself because (at this moment...11:22 2/1/2010) I have some people in my life busting my balls that what I am doing is affecting them, is hurting them, and they give me attitude with it....hence dysfunctional...

I have said it once, i will continue to say it, MY PROGRAM, MY WAY OF STAYING...*****STAYING**** CLEAN...not snorting coke, not drinking my shit....so i really wish they'd make up their minds if they want a fucked up megan, or a sober one.

Damnit I'm scared of me too...but shit, don't throw you expectations on me...I'M STILL SICK AND SUFFERING TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, lost train there mybad...but, when you really wanna do something, and you work so hard that there are tears everyday, it makes you wanna quit..it makes me...personally wanna say "fuck it, what's the sense?"

Especially if you know what or who was going to walk beside you but found a different venue.

That part sucks!!!

Think of this way..You and your friend are going cliff diving. You are terribly frightened and aren't really sure to throw yourself off an undetermined height...

So you and this buddy are there and for some reason, you turn and find that the friend is ...well.. no where to be found.

What do you do?

I looked around, in the beginning of this new part of my life and found I was alone..(not alone per-say, shit there are more people in recovery that has my back)

Ohhhh fuck, what do I do?

I kept going.

I went to meetings by myself.

I took on that fucking cliff and jumped..my heart in my fucking throat..I jumped.

I'm still falling. I haven't reached the destination yet..there is no bullseye that is targeted JUST FOR MEGAN.

I find with the support I am getting from people with this blog, with facebook, A/A, N/A, and you all, I know that I wont end up splattered on the ground. You all have your arms open. You are awaiting for me to land on my feet...you all didn't turn and answer the phone while I was 5 feet from the ground.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I gotta say this...I'm glad I started this when I did...

83 days ago if you would have told me i'd be biting off a movie, with this blog, I'd have offered you some of my coke.

I'm very new into recovery, so you will get the chance to learn and grow with me...I have a fucked up sense of humor, so i hope that you get a couple laughs from this. I laugh but I think its cuz I don't want to cry.

I have to leave this tranquil setting on Saturday. (well I don't exactly have to...but you dont keep fish after awhile...ya with me?)

This means a transfer on another bus in NY.

I am PETRIFIED.

My sense of direction must have been snorted, smoked or drank away, cuz I don't have it. Let alone to carry 85 bags in high heels in a place that I am unfamiliar with.

Jesus, Mary , And Joseph had better be along for the ride because with my sense I'm goin end up in Brazil...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FEB. 2nd, 2010

Ahhhhhhhhhhh shit....Shaved 5 minutes off my time with my walking 4 miles...!!!!!!!!!!!!! Usually an hour and 10 minutes....do the math...lol!

Damn, now if I can avoid other bullshit today I would be about the happiest camper!!!!

Hmmmmmmmmmmm , a new day...A new start....For somethings I would totally agree.

There are some things however that are just like a broken fucking record...

When you surround yourself with negativity ... u get it back in tenfold!

Jesus, Mary and Joseph know that I am trying to get a refund on those tickets I purchased for a fucked up lifestyle.

I have plenty of bullshit that I will have to account for when I step on NJ ground.

Why?

Because I'm a fuckin' junkie and I did a lot of sneaky, shady shit.

I re-read what I wrote yesterday n maybe getting lost in NY would be a good thing.

But would that be doing my program correctly? Or would that be just staying where I was and RUNNING...ummm plain to see its the latter..

*******I, for years, have ran from everything. I have made other people shoulder my fuckin' responsibilities and, when you are accustomed to that, of course change is going to suck!**********

So, I gotta look the devils deeds that I have done and fix em...

Will there be repercussions..probably.

But, the weight of the stupid shit wont be tying me down.

It's like I'm lifting bricks one at a time off my back...I am finally starting to stand up straight..

I have a NEW CHANCE...ALL because for once I took the bull by the horns and held on.

IT IS POSSIBLE...

I'M DOING IT..

One day at a time , one minute if I hafta..

Cuz when life throws dogshit at me, I'm soooo used to wearing it.

I am so used to listening to what a crazy asshole I am and what a mean bitch I am, and, how fuckin' irresponsible I am...FROM SOMEONE WHO "LOVES" ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am an alcoholic...by genes, we all have that down, correct?

A Native American sometimes gets stuck with that...

I just took it to another level.

With an addictive personality...low self esteem, no real grasp on how life should be run...it gets a lil roughto see the sun for the clouds of all the garbage I was ingesting.

I can recall my kid telling me...( and I see it and hear it in a fog to this day, but, I know it happened..) " Mom, WHAT ARE DOING?...THAT'S NOT EVEN YOUR ADDICTION!!!!!!!!!!"

It wasn't.

But I was so into it now, that I flew with it.

Getting drunk was one thing. Having NASTY hangovers, smelling like trash, the taste in my mouth could have only been from licking concrete!

With coke however, there was no hangover. I loved the taste and the only downfall for ME in MY head, was I wanted more.

Oh, and the snot was a bit unpleasant, but waaaaaay over looked.

At one point I was told I had a "skitz". Now, I don't know the EXACT definition for what that is....except it is something that the drug makes you do...

ALL THE TIME...

I was flabbergasted.

I had made it to the big time.

I was keeping company with a "more experienced" user and I had a skitz....

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOw...red flag? Does ANYONE reading this see any thing that resembles a RED FLAG?

Gee, was I getting outta control a lil bit?

Ahhh fuck it..compared to stories I heard from other users, mine was tame.

But, still in the back of my head..."a skitz?"..

That in itself probably made me do even more coke than I thought I could.

My God, the money just kept flying to me and I just kept throwing it away.

I got friendly with "hacks"...I found that altho' I'm not the one who copped the shit, I knew where to go.

If that spot didn't have it there was another, and another...it was never-ending and the coke just kept coming.

By this time, altho an alcoholic, drinking was not even on my mind...it bloated me...it made me fell fat..it really didn't seem right to be buying drinks when the powder called my name sooooo seductively ...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the beginning of this cocaine "adventure from the depths of the most firey place ever concieved of the mind...hell...i lost weight...

Not mad weight, but enough...

Jumping a bit ahead...then I gained weight...

I say this because, with my self-esteem in the toilet already....what better way to fuck with your OWN mind then to looking at what you really look like... I then went to looking like a "corn-fed crackhead".....

Meaning, that when you stay in one place just getting high...well, you get fat.

I didn't look like I was even in the "catagory" as general thoughts of sober people consider crack addicts...just didn't look like one.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh , but yes indeedy, I was caught...hook line and fucking sinker!!!

Smoking the shit, snorting the shit...licking the gosh darn mirror for the fuckin' powder residue ....In petties (cigarette papers), In woolz (blunt wraps) and from the stem occasionally... I was addicted to coke in whatever form it came in.

I never shot it though....I don't like needles.

I was told if I ever did that I really would never stop, although the high was fantastic!

Ummm , i don't like needles.

Stopping at that time wasn't an option. I wanted more.

Now, I don't know how you all perceive cocaine....

with the movies you see, you see someone take a lil bump, ummmmm, no.

My lines on the table, toilet tank, shit, in my hand, were as big as my pinky.

I had some "friends" who could hold a 20.00 bag allllll fn day..WHAT? A 20 was ...WAS a line for me!!

To put 2 rocks in a blunt wrapper was how I was introduced to smoking crack...By the end of my run, I'da dumped three to four bags in it.

Live large or go home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The "high" wasn't really a "high"...not like with pot, or drinking..I liked the taste.

I will let you all know again that I liked the taste.

I still do like the taste, I am just not tasting it anymore.

It's like a wine taster, or a food tester...

Some of the shit I snorted was just plain sweetner...but, I was so psychologically tuned for it, it didnt matter.

There were times my nose was so clogged with snot that I could hear my heart beating in my head...(rather quickly), I would blow my nose so I could further fuck up my nasal cavity.

Sounds sexy right?

OOOOOOOOOOOOH so very sexy...

Then, the nosebleeds.

They are very fun.

I don't like seeing my own blood. So, I guess I might've been partaking in the wrong substance abuse.

Yes, bloody nose almost every night. Gorgeous, beautiful...once again I say sexy.

Whatta asshole I was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was a follower.

I switched my addiction to appease someone else and I ran with it.

I ran hard.

When you go from a hundred dollars a day to spending four hundred...A DAY...ummm there might be a slight problem...

Ya think?

Only in the recent end of it I was "lucky", I got it delivered...

Didn't need hacks, just a speed-dial away from "heaven".

And yes, the dealer was on speed dial....

Looking at that sentence, you can take it two ways...

I was killing myself with each healthy line, but in my head at that time...it was lovely.

You see, to be an addict, you must be dedicated.

You must have such a dedication to your drug of choice that you would do anything for it.

You read all the time the crazy things thar are done for the sweet taste of addiction.

luckily I didn't make the news. I didn't make the papers, but I did hurt a few people in my cruise of self destruction...

Its a saying that "you hurt the ones you are closest to because you have trust that you will always have them."

I disagree.

I have lost my closest and dearest friend. The one I trusted the most, the one I needed to help me instead of hinder me....

We are working on repair but, its the drugs that dimminished soooo much....it devastates me sometimes just to hear the name...

I gave my hurt freely, I didn't discriminate. Didn't matter about your race, color, religion or if you were republican or democrat. Because I lost this friend, my hurtful outbursts were just that, fits of rage, screaming, crying fits and I had probably the emptiest heart ever in the world.

To love a drug more than you love your family, your spouse, your friends even just your fellow man is just plain, intensely evil!

I did it all day, all night and when I wasn't , I was plotting how to get it.

I did steal for it.

I did lie for it.

I did break my "word is bond" to a few people.

I tried to explain this to my mother...sheeeesh...talk about scared to death, but I didn't wait 6 years this time.

I explained to her that I was wearing a thickass raincoat(my addiction) and that underneath I was still Megan.

I mean remember those smelly, yellow raincoats you wore when you were a safety....? Yea I had one of those on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To break an 81 year olds heart is absolutely not a good time. To become honest with the woman who thought the world of me was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

Tears were everywhere. Shit a damn waterfall sprung from my freaking face.

She held me.

She reached out and HELD ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She wrapped her arms around this abominable freaking monster that I had become and still called me her daughter.

You'll have to read a lil about how my mother operates.

She is straight by the book, no gray area, it's either the correct way, or wrong.

She was brought up in a very loving family and was married to my dad for 46 years.

*****(R. I. P. daddy, your daughters trying real hard to get this, and I am so sorry you are not here to witness what you waited for....I love you and miss you terribly!!!!!!!!)*****

Meaning...I was brought up in a very loving family and I went terribly wrong..

So, to have to explain this to someone who handed out my punishments, ( not abuse, but grounding and such, i was daddys lil girl) there was much anxiety....too much.

I had only been clean a lil over a week...

We talked...Ok, I talked...she listened...and then held me while I cried.

I didn't have to beg, i didn't have to plead, all I had to do was step to the plate as a mature woman would.

Kinda crazy feeling because I was still the little girl about to tell the "High Matriarch" of our family, I fucked up, have been fucked up and I was trying to change my ways.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FEB. 3rd 2010

Well, I am awake, I am alive and I must say it snows an awful lot up here!!!

Lucky I have my boots.

I wear the boots here for weather purposes.

As soon as I walk on the grounds of my home state it will have changed.

I will have to protect myself from all the bullshit that I know is INEVITABLY on its way for me....

I got it though.

when you are prepared for something, it is so much easier to deal with.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not proud of all the bad I seem to have accomplished.

The difference with me today, sober for 85 days, is that I am READY to face the consequences. You also have to see, that my running partner, did just that...RAN...

Be it forgiven or not, as long as I man up, step to the plate, what can happen?

My goodness, prison looks better than the prison term I sentenced myself to doing drugs.

First off I would be the favorite felon, and second I would be sober...the third thing is that it would clean my slate with those I fucked over in my past..

Don't get me wrong I don't believe it'll come down to that.

But, I looked at it earlier with a threat from last night pending over my head and hey, I weighed out the options.

I AM NOT AFRAID...

I'm no super hero, I'm human. God has my back now. Fully. I turned my will over to Him.

If I haven't died yet with all the shit I have done to myself, I must be a tool for something in His eyes.....

I am grateful!

Threaten me with anything you choose to, I won't back down, I will stand for me and with my head held high becuz, I am an awesome woman.....

To be able stare adversity in the face, with being on the ready for whatever consequences..IT MEANS I HAVE GROWN...not fully, can't harvest me yet...I still need to be fertalized by my neighbors....but, I will write, they will come..( shit, I hope so...lol)..

I am still sick and suffering. I always will be, I am a fuckin' addict....

There is no cure but the sheer willpower that comes from within.

I ain't cured, I'm barely comfortable, but, I am comfortable enough WITH MYSELF to move on with the clocks ticks....instead of looking at time with dread...or with the anticipation for my next hit...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, Up a few thousand words you read that I have been in jail, prison..( don't gasp.....no real big surprise...)

I hit cops.

I don't seem to remember doing it but, there is quite a mountain of evidence pointing towards that.

I have seen it, I have signed it.

Did I believe it? Shit no.

Why would I hit, punch, kick or bite someone with a gun?

Doesn't seem too practical.

Or smart.

Or even logical.

Now when the word of this (blog) gets around to some of my family members...THATS where the gasps'll be. I laugh because to be in my position, to be in my addiction, I look at them and see that they wouldn't have a fuckin' clue of what to do.

Sorry, off track there amusing myself.

I already was the fuckin' black sheep...they just faked real well...of likin me...

Okay back to the point in hand...cops.

After a certain amount of the satans brew was consumed...I just mighta had a sour one that didn't follow the path of the last 500 drinks.

Hence, violence seemed to be born.

I ...well I'm no doctor...but, I believe that to grab my arm after that wrong drink, brought back memories from my rape and, well it was on. Wouldn't matter if Jesus, Mary and Joseph were grabbing, I was swingin'.

Now, that's not told to me by a doctor...or a shrink.....hell i was the one medicating myself....half the time in my younger years, I was high going to the doctors, and higher by the time I hit the car to go home.

Not from using, but the anxiety of having someone actually try to help the invincible would shuffle endorphans around or something...so, I was more fucked up leaving than when I went...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FEB. 4th, 2010

A beautiful day at an authors house in Salem yesterday.....

My dear, caring, loving "sister" if you will thought that in the midst of this blog, a lil inspiration from the past would be good!

A great lunch in a "haunted" hotel....and we went to The House Of Seven Gables.........

I was sooo comfortable there and wished I never cut so much school.

I had an idea that hit me like a ton of bricks...

I don't have to stop learning because I'm not in high school anymore...DUH me.

You see, being an addict there comes a time where I think your brain just stops. At whatever age, and its probably medically proven somewhere...( I'll look into it)

But, to have a 30 year brainfart, is pretty damn long.....

And, moving right along...

To have my parents spend so much money on these doctors...I look back and boy, did I screw them...( my parents )

They continually threw that lifeboat out, I continually ignored them.

"If I could turn back time..." It would be nice if ALL of us could eh?

We all know we can't.

I know I can't.

But, what I can do is forge ahead and try to make some sense of the what, how, why and so forth...

Drinking for me wasn't a "need".

I didn't (by the grace of God), wake up and HAVE TO HAVE a drink..( asprin maybe lots lotsa asprin....)

There were no shakes involved, so, therefore I didn't consider myself an alcoholic....

I wasn't experiencing what the "symptoms" were that I had read or saw on television....in my head I was fine.

The weekend drinker, the party hard and empty your beer when the park cops found you and your friends out, drinker.

Shit, i go past where I used to party and think if beer trees grew, I would have acres of them....

I can see where I dumped, remember the conversationd with God..."if you get me outta this....."

Shit, if I woulda went to church with every foxhole prayer, I would have to move in....

The staying out too late became habit...CURFEW...FUCK YOU!!!

Going into bars when I was underage knowing that the bartender knew and just wanted to fuck me...

That never happened, but, I played it REAL close to the edge to lead him on to think it might so I could get what I wanted..

I can see my dad right behind me..."Either come home with me right now, or don't come home...." I was 19....

I didn't go home.

I went to a friends apartment....I pass that occasionally also.....and shake my head.

Tears are coming from my face right now.

I'm crying because I have disappointed my family, my friends but most of all myself...

To write this, to RE-LIVE all this is...well, an oxymoron...bittersweet...

When I experience the pain I am feeling right now, sober, my mind only knows how to go in one direction.

Drink, do drugs.

Make it GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The remorse in a sober body, mind and soul seems so much more intense.

Much more sharp.

So much fuckin' harder to cope with...

Because I don't know how.

I have a weight in my heart right at this very minute that I don't feel comfortable with, it's pounding me and I am really trying not to scream.

(I'd wake my hostess up...and that wouldn't be polite)

I say bittersweet because if I'm compelled to write this to help another...shit, it'd be a lil easier to just cut off my finger for them...donate blood, (oh, of which I did for the first time in my life at my 30 days....and it was clean blood...)

give a lung or bone marrow to.

To reach inside me and drag out things that are fuckin' with my head ...it's doing just that.

As I sit here dumping my fuckin' soul .. i feel like a complete waste of life for what I havedone, I feel as if allllllllllll my decisions were so wrong I don't deserve to even be treated nice,

with respect,

or with any caring at all.

I really fucked up and to try to hop over a stump thats been growing for 30 years...sheeeeeesh.

Did you ever have a cry inside you that welled up to such a strength that it was silent?

No sound,

no noise,

not even a moan, but, a feeling so powerful that you have snot dripping out your nose and tears are making a puddle in your lap...your chest is so tight and you are kind of stuck...well, I'm there,

I don't exactly know why I am shaking, crying or releasing these horrid feelings , but I guess I'm supposed too.

What the fuck.

If I stop typing, you all won't be able to read of the "horrible hangover" of my memory

( or what I can remember, cuz this emotions no fuckin' joke right here) is...

I can't portray it fully,

so buckle the fuck up...

We ridin it..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My parents loved me....

They "picked" me.

I was kind of spoiled with the little endeavers I thought I'd be great at...

Tennis, ice skating, mythology, art, microscope shit..( oh, I still have the 'scope Ma...sentimental value....}

Just whatever passed my fancy, they tried so hard to find my niche.

I was adopted( check), I was a girl( check), ( I was an only child)....Put all that together and you have a middle-class spoiled child.

I wasn't fawned on as a lil princess, but, if they thought one of my bright ideas, to better my life or amuse me would help me. I had it.

I wasn't a gifted kid, but I could manipulate.

Shit, it musta been in-born. You don't just learn that in class...I always had that "power".

********quick thought...gotta write it or I'll lose it...********

My feelings of despair, fear, insecurities, come at me like that "last big wave" (I keep referring to in the movie "The Perfect Storm")..I can't control them, because I don't see them coming...altho' when they are gone, I still feel I hafta keep on guard for the next....hmmmm coping skills? (check) Only because these damn feelings have not..I REPEAT HAVE NOT MADE ME USE...

If I couldn't get it from my mom, I'd go to my dad...If he said no...Move to Gramma Sue...

Yea, all my freakin' life I worked that.

I have just come in from my four mile walk which calmed me considerably. On this walk..of which I really didn't want to do...

****sidebar quote****

When I walked in a program that was mandatory after I got outta prison..( shit, don't gasp like that...yes, i fuckin' went to prison...lol) a sign on the wall in this group said..."DO WHAT YOU DONT WANT TO DO"...keep that in mind for when and if you must comply with something that might just benefit your life....( oh, by the by..I graduated from that class...yaaa for me)

Okay..where was I...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FEB.5th, 2010

Probably todays word will be HOME....

As you know I start off with whatever my day starts off with then, jump into things that make me cry, scream and go a lil craaaazy...Why change a good thing..?

I was in a funk for the past two days.

My "retreat" was coming to a close.

I was going to miss the family that accepted me for what I was, what I was trying to do and looking forward to the "new" Megan emerging from the fuckin' cocoon I trapped myself in for three decades...

I was a mess...I would try to explain this to someone (who I thought was ridin' with me on this) to no avail...my tears, my basic "stomping my feet like a lil kid" action about coming home SHOULD'VE been some kind of clue of how "un"-well I was taking it.

Not to mention the fear of "THE TRANSFER"...in NY.

So, my question...What is "home"?

I could go look it up and put the definition from the dictionary on here, but, you all are quite intelligent to know the "basic" meaning of home.

To me......keeping it on the "I"...home is somewhere you feel comfortable.

To me...home is wear you go, kick your shoes off and relax. If you have a family, well, that is where they are OR permitted to be.

Of course there are "boundaries"...

Or, everyone would "use" your domain for a flophouse...been there done that..had it done to me.

As an addict, you don't care...as a user you care even less....actually, you WANT to have "newjax" come in because it might mean more drugs for you...the "newjack" feels OBLIGATED to share, to feel welcome....theres your free hit or twenty of em, depending on how theyre rolling.

Usually, you don't hit the jackpot because they are stingy.

Coke addicts are the most stingy mo-foz I have ever witnessed in my lifetime of being an addict...

*******Keep in mind, MY story and what I have witnessed...*****

At a bar, any bar, people are buying rounds...for strangers to celebrate, to, well sometimes just have company in their misery..

A cokehead, crackhead, what have you, I've been both...( in the same day..and I am referring to snorting the powder as well as smoking crack...) will threaten you, hide the stash, and completely turn into something that you can not imagine RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES!!!!!

And then, have the balls to "imagine" you've stolen it. Taken a rock, or line....it's a fucked up ride with the addict, I don't recommend it for anyone ever....

Okay, back to the original thing thay I was trying to put out there...

If you do not feel comfortable somewhere, is it home?

If you are on edge, scared, frightened or just plain hating the enviroment, how can that be "home".

With my newness in sobriety, I have looked at things in a whole new way. There are things that when I was high, wouldn't even phase me, but, the people before me, (who have time in...) say...and I quote..."PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS"...to stay clean, those are you three MAIN things to consider IF you would like to well...stay fuckin' clean...

Hmmmm, lets look at that.

People. Is it wise for me to just go hang out with my drug dealer?

Places. Would it be a smart decision to go grocery shopping near the location that i used to cop?

Things. I don't believe that I want to have any paraphenalia ( stems, straws...etc.) just lying around anywhere I am....

While in my drug addiction, I lost a lot of things. (besides my respect for myself, and others.)

I lost sentimental things that can never be replaced.

Letters, pictures, little things that were given to me that i thought I would cherish forever...

I used to have some things that you could not trade the HOPE DIAMOND with me for.

They are just mere memories now.

It seems as my addiction progressed, my sentiment went flying out the window. I had or held no regard for the "important stuff" of which I had once held in my HEART...

Looking at it now, it cuts.

But, blah, blah, blah on that shit, losing ground of "home".

"Home is where the heart is"... Powerful statement, quote, whatever.

I would opt to go live in a tent with what little survival skills I DON'T KNOW than to live somewhere where I'd rather jump out of the window.

Perfectly human, and I feel that sober, I am using my free-will to make the choice of where I lay my head...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am no saint...People with clean time have forgotten more of the program than I know at this moment.

I have 87 days.

That's 87 more than I ever hoped to have, for the sheer freakin' fact that I never thought of taking the hand to save my own life.

I just wrote in a comment , "Try and strive as hard with your sobriety as you did trying to get high....."

That saying is not my invention...or whatever..but it came in my head and its right..right on the mark...

I did sooooooo much shit to get high, if I use the same energy into staying clean....damn I'll have such a better chance of MAKING IT!!!!!

Sobriety is not a course you can just finish. I'm told that you redo the steps for the rest of your life.

Hey, I'm down with that...

I was just starting out with this program and the "suggested" thing to do is 90 meetings in 90 days.

Someone had asked me "how many..." I had to give them the clear answer of.."it doesnt even matter how many because I will be doing this for the rest of my life..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, I've covered a lil... w/o any screaming or crying fits of "Live as a Recovering Addict" today...

Sometimes you are just all cried out.

Sometimes to cry and cry and not ...I repeat NOT be heard, just makes you give up...

The past two years that is how it has been.

Well, until recently, I guess I cried hard enough and loud enough that my Higher Power heard me...

I guess because I cried with my soul, I was listened to.

My tears at times were laughed off, not by me, but, by someone I highly respected.

I can tell you, when that happens, and you are in the middle of your addiction, it tends to leave a real bitter taste in your mouth..when you are sober and remember it.

Already feeling like a nobody, but in the same time I was thinking I was somebody in this persons eyes...to find out, well, I was nobody.

Vicious cycle there...

A big mind fuck...

To love while an addict, I really got wires crossed and that has basically destroyed any faith I ever will have in the near future with anyone.

My father...

( God rest your soul daddy, I love you, I miss you, and want you to see the effort I'm putting into becoming the person you always wished I would be....R.I.P. ...my 90 days this Sunday ...dedicated to you ...)

would say that "Trying is the LEAST you can do, the BEST you can do is SUCCEED"....

Well, DAMNIT Daddy, I have been trying to love for a mighty long time and now the rejection has finally paid off I suppose....

I'm sober, I'm lost a little with this because I have never done this in this way before....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm really a bit somber with my mood at this moment.

Sometimes you just got to back away.

I have gone through a bit of adversity everyday of this "retreat".

I bring it on myself. I actually am the only one tho blame, for I really don't have to answer the phone, but I do.

I am snowed out of my state and I am a little relieved because I wasn't quite ready to face my problems I have waiting for me.

In Gods hands I place it.

I am no longer the director of my life...

Turning my will over to a higher Power wasn't too easy.

I thought I had to have total control of every aspect of my life.

Kids, Marriage, Mother..and whatever else..

While not snorting eight-ball after eight-ball, i see that the emotions that were numb at the time, actually can physically tire you out.

The emotional drain of my 88 days, I know is a complete "lack of..."

Lack of a substance that "empowered" me, "willed" me, (if you will) to do and say all that a "normal" person would say, do or act. Problem being, I was high.

( Yea, there's that fuckin' word again...normal....)

With the sobriety kicking hard now, I see that it was only by Gods way I survived for as long as I did in the past few years...I must be here for a reason, i have done enough illegal substances to kill a horse...

To be at a meeting where there is a "moment for the still sick and suffering" really touches my soul deeply.

We ALL are surrounded by the still sick...sometimes we don't even know it.

Because, as I wrote earlier, an addict is so very, very intelligent.

They play it off.

I can say it in that manner, because I did that.

I played it off.

I pretended as most do, when really I was faking it to make it...

Meaning, that the greater majority doesn't make it.

That disturbs me and breaks my heart.

I have dry-drunk & drugged before.

Meaning without the Steps..

The Twelve Steps.

In doing that, I wasn't blessed with the things I am blessed with today.

Real Love.

Real Caring.

Real Respect.

I give as well as receive those three things freely. With no remorse.

I don't say that this is some miracle one week cure...Shit, I am not, nor will I ever be "cured".

I am comfortable by staying away from the people, places and things that were killing me.

Killing a daughter of an aged, disabled woman.

Killing a mother of four.

Killing a grandmother of (what I say is ) 12.

Killing a wife.

Killing a sister, sister-in-law, aunt, friend and basic happy go lucky saying hi to everyone woman....

I was dying.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FEB 6th, 2010

I'm awake....

I'm alive......

I am blessed.

Blessed because I know when I am loved and the difference between when someone is pissing on my leg and telling me its raining...

Actually, I woke up in a funk, I am not quite awake yet, not a real morning person...until sobriety.

Now, with each day a blessing that I have a dollar in my pocket...there are no stems or baggies laying around, I have no nosebleeds...

Who wouldn't want to wake up?

I go to bed each night saying thank you to God, Jesus and St. Anthony....for getting me through the day,

Even on this retreat you all know that Ive had adversity with EACH n EVERY day......Okay, life on lifes terms, i dig that,

Not everyday is going to be a good one..

I dig that...

It is what you make it...

A thing on my fb said I should accept the people with difficult behaviors and look at their perspective of life...

Hmmmmmmmmm....alright we will give that a shot.

It didn't say I had to agree with them, or bow to their will, it said to LISTEN....

Take the cotton out of my ears and shove it in my mouth...LISTEN.

Being sober, and my best to follow the guidelines of my program....thats a tall order...I dont shut up...I do kick and scream if things arent my way...I am a wicked bitch when I so choose....

I can openly admit alllllllll that...not scared in the least to tell you I am very spoiled right now, not only from my wonderful new family and you all but,from myself.

I GIVE MYSELF A CHANCE!!!!!!!!

I let people reach out to me.

I accept their help..

I am a fuckin' cokehead junkie.

I will always be addicted to coke.

I will always & forever have an alcohol problem...

It is what it is...

I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN CHANGE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has always been the question.

Can an addict become a person who society will accept?

At this exact moment, 7:41 a.m. on the 6th of Feb. 2010, I can answer for me. Only ME.

That answer would be affirmitive.

That answer would be yes.

Because I am sober, I am clean. I am doing what I have to do to come back to society...

It sucks only because I don't know some of the adjustments I must make. But, no, I am wrong, I apologize, It doesn't suck, it is a learning experience...some catch up if you will...

Okay...I went somewhere that I know that I shouldve left alone...Saw something that is better out of my mind IF I WANT TO STAY clean...

I'm crying my eyes out!!!!

I know better...I know what to stay away from and yet a simple picture can make me as an addict shake and twinge as if the devil was pulling my strings..

I'm writing this while I am a mess for the sheer fact that THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.....

People think that overcoming this shit is an easy fuckin' process..I saw a simple picture, and it ws even a very good one...

But its still a fuckin' trigger for me to run like hell away from what hurts me sooooooo Freakin' deeply..

I need you to appreciate my pain..I want you to know that I coulda walked away from this and been walking, but I choose to let you know, imagine a 45 year old woman almost slumped over a 'puter crying the silent cry as her nose runs and tears hit her glasses....

Yea, its a beautiful sight.

A simple freaking sight just set me off with anxiety and fear of what is around the corner...Mix that with the feelings of believing you kinda still love someone and ...fuck yo, this is just not a real pretty sight.

If I continue to live in the past I will never see the future...( thanks BG)

Whew...ok, ok..

Just know that I am lucky that I didn't just have that skitzoid mini breakdown at say a job interview...

WILL NOT TREAD THERE AGAIN...EVER!!!!!!

No-one can see the pain I'm in at this moment but if you could for one second imagine your best friend, your lover, a close family member stabbing you repeatedly in your eye with a needle...Well, then you understand.

To be an addict, alcoholic.....I'd have ran to something...

With 89 days I have to think of it as labor pains without an epidural. Someone said it will make me strong...At this second...FUCK YOU!!!!

I'll take that back later when I don't feel like jumping off the bridge....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*********FEB. 7th 2010*********

I HAVE MADE IT TO THE BIG THREE MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let me repeat that...I HAVE MADE IT TO THE BIG THREE MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Feb. 9th 2010

Well, after a very long bus drive home to the white wonderland of N.J., I just vegged out yesterday...

Not that there aren't pressing issues in my head, but, I just couldn't get them all straight.

I celebrated 90 days and am verrrrry freakin' proud of that accomplishment.

Don't really actually believe I did it.... I'm in shock almost...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today, at my 92nd day, I am pleased to announce I am where I should be (in my head) so says a friend who has more time than I.

I get a little overboard with my thoughts, I go to the extreme with ...if you have stubbed your toe, I have you in the hospital in traction...syndrome. Theres a word she called it and I cant recall it now...but, it'll come to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2-10-2010
Ok, due to really horrible weather..I had to put my thoughts in WORD... re-typing now, i'm just going to type it as is.
The girls not stupid...I do have a banging headache and the weather is yuck!
The snow just seems to come and i know I will get frustrated being cooped up.
Funny becuz while I was freakin' high..cooped up wasn't even in my vocabulary.
I had a wonderful experience today.
i ran into my old parole officer.
I told him of my clean time and upcoming speaking engagement and thanked him for saving my life..
He in turn said to me that he was proud of me and I am the one who dd all the work...
I have been off parole since 9-28-07....the fucked up thing is I gave myself punishment getting high and confining myself...voluntarily for two years of my life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

March 29th 2010

Im back in Walpole...Am I running? Ya dam right I am...I'm running from pain...The pain isn't as much here...
I lost my marriage over this and I am HURTING...Do I think he cares? No!!! If he did, he wouldnt have ...awww who gives a fuck....
I know I got commended by a judge for my clean time...I let my husband know I loved him and just couldnt ride n die with him....IT HURTS.....I walked in the rain today because you cant see my tears with a downpour....
I love him but, theres always going to be an ending...I look at it most of the time as MY NEW BEGINNING...but when you are usedto being dependant on a person no matter which way they are...it still smarts when they aren't supportive of your quest...

Feb.12th 2010

It's going to be a beautiful day...I am going to do some writing and try to move on with my life a lil bit.

There has been plenty of snow and it is like a winter wonderland ...nice..from the window of a warm home...

There is that word again..."home"...

Ill get into that later...
I have 95 days of fucking clean time today...I say that nasty word because...well you can only take one vice away from me at a time.
I am working on it.
I'm working on that also...to clean up my vocabulary and save what spiritual things that surround me...

I had a very warm homecoming and I am blessed to have had that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Feb.26th2010
I guess this is quite a slow moving deal when you have a lot to say...

I'm at 109 days now and it AIN'T EASY!!!!!!!!!

I've been to the fucking dentist and only took motrin for pain....wow...change is change i guess...Anyway, I will figure out this problem and try to keep on keepin on because this is my freakin therapy.

I have a million thoughts in WORD and don't know how to cut erase tape....whatever it is...
ANYWAY...109 days is where I am, Its a real damn sucky day every now n then, but, shit, "normal" people have them.....

I'll write more tomorrow and fight technology...xxxooo
~~~~~~~~
March 28th 2010

I'm not sure if I saved the last part...hmmph...as if I dont have enough problems....
I'm back in Walpole again, its where I feel safe...
i came home and tried to hang..it didn't work out to well.
I honestly am soooooo hurt right now I felt the need to come 400 miles away to heal...I'm surrounded by people who love and believe in my sobriety...
I have had a bunch of work done in my mouth since last time i was here...9 teeth pulled. I had all my thoughts and feelings saved in WORD but, that didnt stay in my hands very long. I lost it all thru no fault of my own except for the belief that someone believed in my writing...i was wrong.
I am rebuilding myself, I look like a fucking monster and am ok with it because for the sheer fucking fact that a diamond is an ugly rock in the beginning....
I will be back and I will still have my sobriety and keep on keeping on.
I love my family, the original ones lol and my family here in Walpole for putting up with my crying and whining and all of you for ur support throughout my journey outta hell.....
I must say that I have to thank my estranged husband from the bottom of my heart for MY SECOND chance of life!!!!!!!!!!
I'm grateful for my 140 fucking days clean and altho it seems hard...there are times that it just seems that when you do the right thing ....you get the right thing back in tenfold.
It really isnt a fucking joke it really works....I was quite skeptical...but shit, if this dumbass can get it...
Just went to a meeting tonight, shared first and got all the love n support I need at my time of ...well out of placeness...(not meaning my location...) Im finding myself...Ive been told how courageous I am, how strong I am...where, how...why? Beats me cuz I don't see it yet...I know that when I go home to see my family, I'll be a lot better off than I was before I left...

Ok we will see if this flies....maybe Ive been doing it wrong....

My Road of Recovery...A Journey of Hope.....

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Monday, March 29, 2010

ok...im going to start a new one.....

Friday, February 26, 2010

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